It seems that everywhere I look right now there is some article about knowing you're in a relationship with the right guy or reassuring those of us who are single that our guy is out there. As a single college girl, it does kinda suck to be single, really it does. But having been in relationships before, I know that sometimes it kinda sucks to be in a relationship too. I wish it were as easy as just saying "I trust that God will bring me the right guy at the right time," and a part of me genuinely believes that this is all there is to it (because its truth). However, there is another part of me, perhaps the more human part, that just wants a guy to choose me, to pay me special attention and to call me his. So many of my dreams are wrapped up in being a wife and a mother and experiencing a marriage relationship that is focused on God, serving Him, and seeing where He takes us individually, and communally through it. However, I have felt for a while, and still feel (despite fighting it pretty fiercely for the past few weeks) that I am not supposed to be in a dating relationship right now. I think that I need to use this time to focus on getting my priorities straight, keeping all aspects of my life pure, and growing while still alone; before throwing a guy into my life.
If only having these rather clear-cut feelings made it easier.
But they really don't, in all honesty, it almost makes it worse. The rebellious part of me especially doesn't like it, because knowing what I'm supposed to be doing is pretty much an explicit invitation for me to do the exact opposite. Beyond that though, its just hard. There are a lot of cute guys on campus, even (especially) in the church I've been going to, and in the campus ministries that I respect (and let me tell you- a guy worshiping God with all he has in the moment is one of the most attractive things I have ever seen, but I digress). I have made some pretty spectacular guy friends, and there are days when I feel like I have just fallen head-over-heels for them. But I have realized time and time again, that the relationships I have are so much more valuable the way they are than they would be as a short, or even long-lived fling that would inevitably end in an awkward, strained barely-a-friendship. I also have confidence that if something different from friendship, or even a deeper brother-sister relationship is supposed to happen, then it will at some point become evident and the idea will be explored prayerfully. And on the hard days, that confidence is what I cling to.
But I don't believe that I am supposed to be living my college experience in a state of limbo, just waiting until my time and my guy. We are told that Jesus came to give us life abundantly, and I don't believe that there is a sub-text that says "abundant life comes after guy." There is a part of me that is so excited to still be in this time of singleness because there are so many things I can do, that being in a relationship would not really allow for. I have had the opportunity to become involved in so many different (rather time-consuming) things. I have made some eternally valuable girl- friends that I would not trade for the world. I have had opportunities to more fully become the woman that God has created me to be, and the glimpses I get of what is ahead of me are truly exciting!
Its been kind of crazy, because every time I get down and stuck in the single-blues rut, He always sends something my way to remind me of #1 His unshakable, complete power and control, and #2 how amazing the plans He has for me are, and just how unbelievably exciting the path ahead of me is. I wish that this meant that I would/ could stop thinking about it sometimes, but unfortunately I have yet to find this switch or the self- control to flip it. Instead, I have been trying to focus on the things that are in front of now, and I think that God has been faithful to my rather feeble attempt to make that step.
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